in case you were wondering, the old addage ‘past performace does not necessarily predict future results’ applies to chopping firewood.
i don’t care how many successful times you’ve chopped firewood – it’s still not a good idea to go outside, in the dark, standing on a ice-slicked surface, attempting to balance wood and swing an axe. it’s more than likely that you’ll wack an appendage. but it’ll be so cold you won’t really notice until you feel the warm sensation of blood dripping through all your fingers. in a rare glimpse at the enormity of your stupidity – then and only then will it occur to you that you might have made around five poor decisions in a row. you’ll contemplate this standing in the dark on the icy ground with a sharp, heavy axe, while not being able to see, but now feeling more clearly the dripping blood.
so, it’s back to the house, wondering if perhaps this will be the eve of christmas eve when you’ll be remembered for cleanly slicing your thumb off. in the house, you will quickly determine that the thumb is intact and you’ve merely suffered the proverbial flesh wound. you’ll note this as positive, while observing that there’s a sizeable gash across the thumb knuckle, continuing at an angle down the inside of the thumb. if motivated, you could possibly fold back a small, postage-sized triangle of flesh but you’ll quickly decide you’re not. oddly, despite the blood there will still not be much pain. since there’s no pain, you’ll make another brilliant decision, which is to wrap the thumb in giant wads of paper towel, apply five minutes of pressure and decide to give the axe swinging another go.
a half-a-dozen swings into a knottiest of knotty knots, which is in a log so dense you’ll be sure you see the faint light from the kitchen window bending towards the grain, you’ll realize that now you can feel your thumb. it will started to throb at the same rate as your heartbeat and the blood will have soaked completely through the many layers of paper towel.
back in the house, while contemplating the merits of opposable thumbs and pondering the origins of your maniacal desire to produce the perfect eve of christmas eve cozy fire, you’ll resort to wrapping your thumb in paper towel and electrical tape, producing an appendage worthy of
sissy hankshaw
.