i went to the mall today.
odds are that you don’t know me, so you’re probably not aware just how remarkable the previous sentence is. and don’t get me wrong – i’m not passing judgement on anybody who likes shopping, because i wholeheartedly admit that it’s my own bit of wierdness. i’ve settled on a loose explanatory structure for my mall hatred, which involves equal parts mild agoraphobia, disgust at the flagrant displays of rudeness perpetrated by otherwise ordinary sububanites, and the irritating fact that mass market retailers don’t exactly cater to my, um, proportions. yup, that’s right. i’m large. i’d like to think that it’s not really a case of frightening obesity. rather, it has more to do with the fact that i’m just over six foot four and i do a pretty good job of filling out the frame that the good lord provided me. so, i’m a big man who hates large, rude crowds and i’m badly in need of pants and shoes.
indeed, the “pants situation” has gotten so bad that i’ve considered only wearing one pair of pants and telling anyone who asks that i’ve actually got sixteen pairs of that the same pants so i don’t have to decide what to wear in the morning. of course, the problem is that i don’t actually have sixteen pairs, which means i’d be forced to wash the one frequently worn pair more often, which means i’d just be decreasing the life of the pants, which means i’d end up having to go to the mall more often. so, after six months of procrastination, i decide today was the day that i’d muster the strength to get some pants and maybe, just maybe, some shoes.
today, i’m lucky on the pants front and set new land speed records in
marshall field’s
. in less than 5 minutes, i found 3 pairs of gabardine slacks, which are 36 length
and
on sale. invigorated by the quick success, i decide that i should venture out and see if i can pick up some shoes. this is tricky, because trying to buy a pair of size thirteen shoes quickly is next to impossible. shoe stores really usually only have one pair of size thirteen shoes in stock, and the salespeople like to make you guess which brand it is, thinking that somehow they can upsell you on the really expensive pair of eleven-and-a-halfs, which “run large. honest.” in any case, today i’m up for the challenge and enter the mall and round then bend when it catches my eye.
a large backlit
apple
logo.
shit. the mall has an apple store. and with that realization, i feel something i haven’t felt since making the mistake of going into
powell’s bookstore
. fear. fear that i won’t make it out without spending an obnoxious amount of money in an ecstatic orgy of consumerism.
regular readers will know that i’ve been linking to more and more
os x articles,
and that i certainly haven’t hidden my prediliction for goodies like the
titanium laptop
, but the actual exhange of money was supposed take place at some indeterminate point in the future. but no, the universe had conspired against me and my wallet and put me in front of exquisitely designed experience that is the apple store. staring into the store, i lose all self control and decide that i am going to hook myself up with one of everything, starting with the tricked-out titanium machine which is just a few feet from the entrance.
i walk in and make a pathetic attempt to pretend that i’m just browsing when i overhear a customer talking with a salesperson.
customer:
“i think i need something called virtualpc. do you know about virtualpc?”
saleperson:
“[nervous laugh] um, well, i think i’ve heard about it. i’m not really an expert.”
customer:
“[slight irriation on voice] well, i’m also thinking about getting a digital camera. can you make any recommendations?”
salesperson:
“[ more nervous laughter] well, i’ve read the product stickers. i, um, don’t really know that much about them.”
somehow, by overhearing that brief exchange, the spell was temporarily broken. brought to my senses, i leave the store, new pants in tow, and decide that i can probably wait to purchase my new mac when i get my tax return. phew.